would help me. I’d go out with my friends and party and have a great time, but deep down inside I was missing something. It’s almost like I’d put up this false image of me. Most people thought “Wow, this girl is great, her life seems so amazing”, but it wasn’t! I was hurting deep down within. When my friends would talk about cutting themselves and letting all the troubles go, I’d think to myself, “Maybe that’s what I need” or “Maybe that would help”. I never once cut myself and I’m glad that I didn’t, but I had thought about it many times. Even suicide was constantly on my mind. I knew it just wasn’t a way to go, there was more to this life than that. I knew somewhere out there I had a purpose.
While all of this was going on I was asking God, “Why have you deserted me?” I soon gave up on a God altogether and decided to become agnostic. It seems as if everything I’d do God was calling me, asking me to come back to him. I was very stubborn like most of my family is, and resited God. My friend had introduced me to this guy named Cody. He was a very strong Christian, and into the same exact music I was. He was someone that I could always count on to talk to, the same with my friend Katie, and my youth director Debbie. Cody never once judged me for who I was, he knew that I was agnostic. He never once said, “You’re going to hell”, which one of my friends had said to me. It’s very discouraging when someone says that to you when you’re going through a tough time.
I often judged God from the acts of Christians, which isn’t the true God. I saw both the good and the bad. My youth director always made me feel welcome, and never once pressured me, which I later found out she did this because you’re never going to come to God until you are fully ready. I started to go to Bible study and youth, just to get out of my house. It was a getaway from all the feelings I had. The first day I came I asked so many questions that we never once opened the bible.
Everything made so much sense, but I wasn’t budging yet. I had yet to know about the other religions. Every other religion you had to do something, do good deeds and much, much more. But in Christianity all you have to do is know that you are a sinner, and that Jesus died on the cross so you could have eternal life. I couldn’t believe it, “That’s all you have to do?!?”, I exclamed to myself. I could really feel as if all this stuff that was happening recently was for a reason, like opening me up to the reality. Debbie was telling me about the Bible and how there really is proof in it all. Cody was telling me not to look at Christians as an example of God because they are only human, and because they make mistakes.
Well one weekend the youth group was going to a conference. The conference opened my eyes to all the things my friends had been talking about. It had opened my eyes up to God. I was blind and now I could see, like the Bible verse where Jesus cures a blind man. It was almost as if they had done this whole thing for me. They talked about suicide, cancer, not judging others by how they dress or act, and to accept others. Well there was this skit that they had done about The Osbornes (by the way it is one of my favorite shows haha) and they had accepted Christ into their lives. They were still a dysfunctional family though. This guy in the church had told them that they were not accepted into the church, and then this little old lady stood up and told him up straight up how God was. Even though they are one of the worst dysfunctional families, they had still accepted Christ and no matter what they did they would still be accepted because they knew they were sinners, and most of all they were believers in Christ. I realized right then and there no matter how much I have screwed up in the past, and no matter how much I will screw up in the future, that if I believed in Christ then I would be saved. We are humans and not capable to be perfect, that’s why when God sent his only son Jesus to die on that cross, he also nailed all our sins to that cross too. I used to think that I was living to die, but now I know that I’m living to go to heaven. I know that in no way am I perfect but that’s all right because I am forgiven.
Everyday I pray that I won't go back to what I was before. I dislike that person so much and, I am trying my best to become a stronger Christian. I know it won't be easy, and I know many people will try to tell me that I am wrong, and that there is not a God. But I know in my heart that there is, and I just don't want to feel alone again. I tried to tell people that God was a fairy tale, but he is not a fairy tale, I can just feel his presence over me. I can feel him wrap his arms around me, and comfort me. Please take the time today to talk to God, reassure yourself that you will be going to heaven. All you have to say is Lord, I know I have sinned and I don’t deserve your love, but you sent your only son Jesus down on the cross to die for me, so that I can have eternal life in heaven. I open the door of my life and receive you as my Savior and Lord. Thank you Lord! Amen!